HolyHumour

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means? The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

=======

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

========

"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

========

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

========

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

========

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

========

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

========

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

========

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

========

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

========

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

=========

Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk!

The Power of the Mass............

For where your treasure is, there also will your heart be.

Obedience is better than sacrifice. Obedience is the first of the virtues in religion.

THE POWER OF THE MASS

The Power of the Mass is for you ! It's the power of the crucifixion on Calvary, which isn't repeated, but entered into through time and space. You can have 2 intentions for every Mass – One for the entire Mass itself, and one during the prayers of the Faithful. When you first get into Church and kneel down and pray (if you aren't doing this, then you need to start!), tell Jesus what your personal intention is for that Mass.

During the Prayers of the Faithful, tell Him what your other intention is. Of course, you can always call the Parish secretary to have specific Masses said for loved ones and other intentions too. The poor souls in purgatory really feel consolation and comfort in their misery when you have Masses said for them. Don't forget them, even if they've been dead a long time, because time has no meaning in eternity. If you don't have intentions for the Mass, you are missing out on a lot of spiritual benefits! At the hour of death the Holy Masses you have heard devoutly will be your greatest consolation.

Every Mass will go with you to Judgment and will plead for pardon for you.

By every Mass you can diminish the temporal punishment due to your sins, more or less, according to your fervor. By devoutly assisting at Holy Mass you render the greatest homage possible to the Sacred Humanity of Our Lord. ...

Through the Holy Sacrifice, Our Lord Jesus Christ supplies for many of your negligences and omissions. ... He forgives you all the venial sins which you are determined to avoid. He forgives you all your unknown sins which you never confessed. The power of Satan over you is diminished. ...

By piously hearing Holy Mass you afford the Souls in Purgatory the greatest possible relief. ... Through Holy Mass you are preserved from many dangers and misfortunes which would otherwise have befallen you. You shorten your Purgatory by every Mass. ...

Through the Holy Mass you are blessed in your temporal goods and affairs. ... When you hear Holy Mass devoutly, offering it to Almighty God in honor of any particular Saint or Angel, thanking God for the favors bestowed on him, etc., you afford that Saint or Angel a new degree of honor, joy and happiness, and draw his special love and protection on yourself. ...

Every time you assist at Holy Mass, besides other intentions, you should offer it in honor of the Saint of the day. ... In Holy Mass, in obedience to Christ's command, "Do this in remembrance of me," we of the Church offer perfect praise to the heavenly Father, and sanctify ourselves and the world by the power that flows from the priestly office of our eternal High Priest, Jesus Christ . ...

The benefits of even one Holy Mass are infinite and include the whole world. The blood of the new and everlasting covenant was "shed for you and for all." In every Mass that is offered the Church remembers before God "those who take part in this offering, those here present and all your people, and all who seek you with a sincere heart." In a special way those who have Holy Mass offered and those for whom a Mass is offered partake of the grace of the Eucharistic sacrifice. ...

The Church which offers Mass each day includes not only the faithful on earth, but the saints in heaven, as well as the suffering souls still awaiting entrance into heaven. ...

It is a pious and praiseworthy custom for the faithful to have Masses offered for their particular intentions, and especially for departed friends and loved ones. It is a laudable Catholic practice when requesting Mass for a special intention to make an offering both for the support of the priest who will celebrate the Mass and to provide for the needs of the altar as well as the materials required for the Holy Sacrifice.

It is very sad that so many non-Catholic Christians consider the Mass to be an abomination. It is just the opposite. It is the one-time sacrifice of Jesus on the Cross recreated, through time and space, in an unbloody fashion, just like Jesus did during the Last Supper.

QUOTES FROM THE SAINTS

1. The Mass is the most perfect form of prayer! Pope PaulVI

2. For each Mass we hear with devotion, Our Lord sends a saint to comfort us at death. (Revelation of Christ to St. Gertrude the Great).

3. A great doctor of the Church, St. Anself, declares that a single Mass offered for oneself during life may be worth more than a thousand celebrated for the same intention after death. St. Leonard of Port Maurice supports this statement by saying that one Mass before death may be more profitable than many after it.

4. "The Holy Mass would be of greater profit if people had it offered in their lifetime, rather than having it celebrated for the relief of their souls after death" - Pope Benedict XV

5. Once, St. Teresa was overwhelmed with God's Goodness and asked Our Lord "How can I thank you?" Our Lord replied, "ATTEND ONE MASS."

6. The Blessed Virgin Mary once told Her faithful servant Alain: "My Son so loves those who assist at the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass that, if it were necessary He would die for them as many times as they've heard Masses."

7. "When we receive Holy Communion, we experience something extraordinary - a joy, a fragrance, a well being that thrills the whole body and causes it to exalt." - Saint Jean Vianney "If we really understood the Mass, we would die of joy." - Saint Jean Vianney

8. "There is nothing so great as the Eucharist. If God had something more precious, He would have given it to us." - Saint Jean Vianney

9. "When we have been to Holy Communion, the balm of love envelops the soul as the flower envelops the bee." - Saint Jean Vianney

10. "The celebration of Holy Mass is as valuable as the death of Jesus on the cross." - Saint Thomas Aquinas

11. "It would be easier for the world to survive without the sun than to do without Holy Mass." - St. Padre Pio, stigmatic priest

12. The Mass is infinite like Jesus. . .Ask an angel what the Mass is, and he will reply to you in truth, "I understand what it is and why it is offered, but I do not, however, understand how much value it has." One angel, a thousand angels, all of Heaven know this and think like this.- St. Padre Pio, stigmatic priest

13. If we only knew how God regards this Sacrifice, we would risk our lives to be present at a single Mass. - St. Padre Pio, stigmatic priest

14. Renew your faith by attending Holy Mass. Keep your mind focused on the mystery that is unfolding before your eyes. In your mind's eye transport yourself to Calvary and meditate on the Victim who offers Himself to Divine Justice, paying the price of your redemption.- St. Padre Pio, stigmatic priest

15. Every Holy Mass, heard with devotion, produces in our souls marvelous effects, abundant spiritual and material graces which we ourselves, do not know.- St. Padre Pio, stigmatic priest

16. "The heavens open and multitudes of angels come to assist in the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass." - Saint Gregory

17. "The angels surround and help the priest when he is celebrating Mass." - Saint Augustine

18. "When Mass is being celebrated, the sanctuary is filled with countless angels who adore the divine victim immolated on the altar." - Saint John Chrysostom

" We must adjust to changing times and still hold to unchanging principles "

36 Christian ways to reduce stress

An Angel says, "Never borrow from the future. If you worry about what may happens tomorrow and it doesn't happen, you have worried in vain. Even if it does happen, you have to worry twice."

1. Pray

2. Go to bed on time.

3. Get up on time so you can start the day unrushed.

4. Say No to projects that won't fit into your time schedule, or that will compromise your mental health.

5. Delegate tasks to capable others.

6. Simplify and unclutter your life.

7. Less is more. (Although one is often not enough, two are often too many.)

8. Allow extra time to do things and to get to places.

9. Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over time; don't lump the hard things all together.

10. Take one day at a time.

11. Separate worries from concerns. If a situation is a concern, find out what God would have you do and let go of the anxiety. If you can't do anything about a situation, forget it.

12. Live within your budget; don't use credit cards for ordinary purchases.

13. Have backups; an extra car key in your wallet, an extra house key buried in the garden, extra stamps, etc.

14. K.M.S.(Keep Mouth Shut). This single piece of advice can prevent an enormous amount of trouble.

15. Do something for the Kid in You everyday.

16. Carry a Bible with you to read while waiting in line.

17. Get enough rest.

18. Eat right.

19. Get organized so everything has its place.

20. Listen to a tape while driving that can help improve your quality of life.

21. Write down thoughts and inspirations.

22. Every day, find time to be alone.

23. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot. Try to nip small problems in the bud. Don't wait until it's time to go to bed to try and pray.

24. Make friends with Godly people.

25. Keep a folder of favorite scriptures on hand.

26. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is often a good "Thank you Jesus."

27. Laugh.

28. Laugh some more!

29. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all.

30. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they can).

31. Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most.

32. Sit on your ego.

33. Talk less; listen more.

34. Slow down.

35. Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the universe

36. Every night before bed, think of one thing you're grateful for that you've never been grateful for before. GOD HAS A WAY OF TURNING THINGS AROUND FOR YOU. "If God is for us, who can be against us ? "

(Romans 8:31)